I made it! I am alive. No mountain lions, but I had a close encounter with racoons! There were two racoons that entered my circle early Monday morning and sniffed me and my pack, but then left me in peace. I was slept very lightly this night, andeven got to confront fear of being devoured by lions in my sleep. I told myself that I loved the mountain lions, and that if they ate me, I would still love them. I also asked the spirits not to let the mountain lions eat me, and if they did I promised in return to be kinder to my cat and to play with her every once in a while.

I have taken apart my circle, and put returned the rocks to aproximately where I found them. I rolled up the sleeping bag, put on all my clothes, and carried everything I brought with me back to camp. The morning was very serene, and as I walked down the mountain one final time I felt ready to return to society. I went inside my tent at Juniper campsite number 2, and waited for my father. He came shortly after and we packed up the tent and left. He had brought me food, and it felt very strange eating again. I ate slowly and purposefully. My teeth hurt when I chewed, and I easily became carsick (something that rarely happens). Incorporation back into society was very smooth. I got home, took a shower, and played layed down some sax tracks for the Mountain Mike album, “Jalbum”.

I had lost 7lbs. during my fast, which I would gain back in a few weeks, and I had in a way been reborn. I felt that after my vision quest I was ready to take on responsibilities of adulthood with love. I also felt ready to go back to school. I think that I was able to accomplish most of my goals that I had for the quest, or at least start working on them. I also think that it was successful as a rite of passage. Now that I have survived living in the wilderness with bare essentials, I feel I can more openly appreciate living in society with more luxeries but also more awareness of what is essential.

Spiritually I feel renewed, and even reinvented. For years before my vision quest I did not think I could spiritually connect to trees, animals, or nature because they were not a part of me/us. I know now that they are a part of us, and that feeling a spiritual connection to them is invaluable to me because it reminds me of how everything/everyone is connected (the circle of life!). On my vision quest I was able to just be alone in nature, and I know that this is something that I can do again if I ever feel the need. My perspective on life has become broader, and I am more open to loving myself and others or least trying to. It also became apparent that I have the power of free will/choice in that I can choose to be optimistic about life and that by doing that and loving others really is profoundly powerful and will eventually snowball back and hit me (karma baby). I haven’t become that much more optimistic or different, I still argue with my sister and am type B personality but I appreciate giving off positive energy to others. I truly feel that is deeply what I am meant to do. I can dig amorality and nihilism, but that doesn’t mean I have to live them. I think it’s also important to foster a loving feeling for nonliving objects too. Like the stones that I had to ask permission to move to make a circle with, I think that it is utmostly important to respect rocks and all other nonliving things because they also have spirits. I was afraid before of thinking things like this, but now it doesn’t frighten me. I could spend an eternity in Hell for not believing such things, or I could believe that these things really are true – that spirits exist in everyone and everything – and that our spirits simply go on after life. A saying that stuck with me from a book I read, “Today is a good day to die,” and it’s true. Every day you live you should be happy with your life up to that day and be ready to die because that could be your time to pass on. Anyway, I now know it’s up to me to make my own spiritual rituals and mix in elements from different religions and cultures as I see fit – this is what living in America is all about! I think my vision quest was the first example of me in my adult life succeeding in doing this, and even though I didn’t have any earth shattering vision I do feel a greater appreciation for life and an unconditional love for the people around me. And for this I am thankful.

Thanks for reading!

So, I heard some wild animals last night roaring near my circle. I was scared, but they went away. I also had this sort of dream where I was two selves and one self was brave and wanted to emerge from under the covers of my sleeping bag and sit proudly with a stone in his hand. My actual self was hiding beneath the suffocating covers. In this dream it was like I had another self in another dimension or at another time that I was channeling in my circle. This morning I got supplies when I checked in with my dad; bugspray, toothbrush and toothpaste, and matches. It feels splendid having clean teeth. So far 20 or more people have hiked by my circle this morning, and all of them were friendly and did not disturb the stones. I found an interesting rock on the ground that looks like a screaming face. There was also a small flying insect and a butterfly that each had a white “V” design on the back of their wings.

Today is my last day on my quest and I am ready. It’s going on around noon, so about 18 more hours. I intend to stay within my circle for the rest of the duration of my quest. The hardest part of each day for me is around 3-7pm after my shade expires. But after sundown, I’ll be golden.

I already did some Tao meditation today and felt very peaceful. Today I am beginning to feel the effects of fasting. I believe the food deprivation has caused my fat stores to start breaking down and digest. My hunger was eased by this, so thank you chubby thighs! Note that the pain from hunger never exceeded a 5 on a pain scale of 0 -10. In general when I skip a meal or two in college on a 3 meal per day plan, I am usually famished and feel an 7 or 8 on the pain scale, and consequently eat 2x to 3x as much as usual.

So my body was breaking down and I felt great. At times I could see black stars flash in my visual field in the sky, but this didn’t bother me. My fingers at times would tingle slightly and suddenly feel numb for some inexplicable reason. It could be the prolonged meditation causing the numb fingers, but I am more inclined to think it was induced by the fasting. A mild euphoria settled in, and I wished that I had brought some natural substance to enchance the good feeling, but I had only my water chug and sage. I had lit the sage earlier this morning and used it to purify myself before entering the circle. The sacred tobacco I had brought was still sitting at the edge of my circle solely as an offering; so I wasn’t about to light that up either. I settled under the shade of the pine tree, and leaned back in peaceful bliss. I lay on my back with my head resting on my pillow and arms loosely hanging in the air. I felt very alive and connected to the nature around me. Eventually my fabulous mood peaked with me bursting into a rendition of the song, “Suavecito,” by Malo. I love to sing, and in particular I love singing that song because its verses are in english and its choruses are in spanish, and at this point the spanish was just flowing off the tip of my tongue. I was so in the moment that I did not want to move to write it down in my journal. I started thinking about, “The Wind Cries Mary,” by Jimi Hendrix and some of the specific lyrics in that song, “You can hear happiness coming on down the street… Footprints dressed in red”.

Eventually after some more meditation and visualizing a beautiful green skinned angel, I began noticing the flies buzzing around me and the hikers began passing by. The final bit of shade passed out of my circle, and so my genuine, good mood came to an end. The sun was unbearably bright and shone directly on me. For 3-4 hours I used my pillow to block my already burned body. I took off my shoes and shirt to ventilate. I made myself comfortable while doing this, and for entertainment strummed my fingers on the back of my pillow and made DJ scratching sounds by scratching my pillowcase with my fingernails. No more meditation or deep connections, the rest of this trip was about survival for me. This was my rite of passage. The last hikers that came down the trail passed me by and asked what I was doing. I responded, “I am on a vision quest and I will stay here for 3 days and nights to reflect on life and relax”. The father of the boy who had first spoken asked, “Are you afraid of the mountain lions”? I replied, “I heard some last night, but I think they bothered the people at the campsite more than me because they left food out”. It was this man’s comment that finally connected the roaring I heard to the animals that caused it: mountain lions. They would egress every night, and now I had something to dread for tonight.

My bug spray had worn off, and I had left the spray bottle in the tent (to which I would not return until morning). I finally lost all patience that I had for the buzzing flies. I began to kill them all. One by one they were swatted down by first my T-shirt, and then my bare hands. I showed no mercy. I employed a self taught technique in which I would allow the flies to land inside my shirt (which I put back on), then I would smash them by slapping my hands against my body. This ensured a kill every time because they could not sense my hand coming under my shirt. I love animals, and usually try not to kill them but these flies had been bugging me for 72 hours too long. As I lashed out and massacred every last one, this situation reminded me of all the talking people in life that bug me (bad pun I know): the people on the T.V., at times my family, and most often complete strangers. These people often are like the flies and are attracted to me for reasons I don’t really know or care except perhaps by circumstance or in the T.V.’s case because they gain more money by broadcasting to me. If I someday lost it and killed everyone and everything around me, I think I would be miserable and lonely. I have never seriously intended to kill anybody, but I sometimes I think about it when I feel hopeless or after watching a riveting episode of Deathnote. I would much rather be at peace with the flies than kill them over and over again like Grendel endlessly killed humans in Beowolf. Deeply molested, I hardly noticed the sunset, and suddenly the night was upon me.

As usual, all the flies went home. The dragonflies swarmed the pine tree, the crickets commenced their pocket symphony and the sky was a streak of swirling rainbow colors. I was prepared for the night. If any mountain lions came near I had a flashlight and my wits about me, so I would be ready to confront them or run away if I had to. Though I seriously doubted whether mountain lions would really bother someone without any food.

10am. It is morning. I survived the night, and made contact with my dad telling him everything is alright. He told me to approach this quest with love and to let it get spiritual. He really wants me to go through with this.

During the night I tried sleeping on the ground with just my flannel jacket for warmth and my pack for a makeshift pillow. I woke up at around midnight shivering and aching, so I brought my wits about me and left my circle to get proper sleeping provisions from the campsite. I am glad I brought a flashlight because on more than one occasion during the descent there were trees that obscured the path’s visibility. I made sure to only use the light when I absolutely needed it in order to conserve the batteries case I would need it at some later time in my journey. When I got to the campgrounds I heard some other campers walking around with flashlights, and I watched them from the edge of the trial. Three men were walking down the road, and did not see me watching them. After they passed I made a go for my tent where I grabbed my sleeping bag, blanket and pillow. Carrying these items back up to the circle in the middle of the night was a slow and eerie adventure in itself, but I was determined and did not let the fear overwhelm me. I made it back to my circle and unfolded the sleeping bag with care so that it did not knock over any of the rocks in my medicine wheel. I then removed my jacket and covered the backside of my pillow with it so that the jacket would be in contact with the ground instead of the clean pillowcase. I spread the blanket inside the sleeping bag, and used it primarily as a cushion between the small rocks between the mountain and my body. Although I had tried again and again to remove the larger and more pointed ones, a good many still poked into my back. Cozy at last I fell back to sleep, but not for long. Not quite awake yet not completely asleep I remember hearing footsteps coming up the trail, and thinking that there would be night hikers or park rangers harassing me. Wrong. There was a growling 10-15ft away from me that took a few seconds to differentiate from the familiar Zoe (my dog) growls. As soon as I realized I where I was, and that I had no weapons to defend myself from large predators, I bolted upright. I was wide awake and alert, and my heart was pounding. I had definitely heard loud growling, but for how long I didn’t know. I thought I heard some stepping sounds receding away from the circle, and I strained to hear or see some sign of animal activity, but there was none. Could I have imagined the growling? Could it have been me snoring or my stomach? No, it was unmistakeably coming from outside the circle. Thankfully this was the last incident of the my first night here. I fell back asleep without any further disruptions.

Last night was a glorious sight. The luminous moon was accompanied by dazzling stars; at least a dozen of them were shooting/wishing stars. Their combined light, was enough for me to clearly see my surroundings for most of the night, so I did not have to confront my fear of the dark.. yet. In addition to the planets and stars were the countless planes and the orbiting satellites, which served as a reminder that even in nature in the most remote of places, humanity’s presence is inescapable. The planes also were a testament to mankind’s ability to create and invent, and it still impresses me that a walking man has invented a machine that now enables all of his kind to fly in the sky like birds. The satellites seem like a natural extension of the planes – an harbinger to the inevitable human expansion into space. If it is true that humans are destined to leave this planet and inhabit others, then we are truly living in a primitive time deprived of interplanetary travel and still limited by the speed of light.

Hmmm, it is time to sit in sunny peace and listen to the wind.

1pm. Beauty surrounds me. I can see the summit of the mountain just over the eastern ridge, and 10ft away from the northeastern side of my circle are a family of formidable boulders. From the north and curling around to the west of my circle about 10ft away is bush/shrub vegetation that creates shade for me when the sun is low in the horizon at about 7pm. I have a view of the town of Alamo below in the valley. When the sun sets the lights in town switch on like a giant christmas tree. I was able to meditate peacefully for at least one full hour today. What an incredible experience to be immersed in such fresh smelling air with such magnificent scenery. I think all the people having trouble meditating indoors need to get away from those four walls and give it a go out here with Mother Earth and Father Sky. The bluest sky is above me and I can clearly distinguish some cloud shapes (Sirius clouds). Their formations have drawn a sort of imagery on the sky’s open canvas. The biggest of the two formations appears to be a 3-headed fire breathing dragon. It’s either a dragon, a screaming bald eagle, or even a catfish! What great fortune I have to behold such an awesome sight. Directly to the left of the dragons I can see a sort peak formation with swirling cloud streaks swirling around its center. I interpret the peak to be either a tower, a mountain or a witch/wizard like Gandalf. He could be riding the cloud creature to Mt. Diablo. This is entertainment unlike any television program, video game, movie, or computer screen I have ever vegetated in front of. The clouds and stars can be watched endlessly, and people can make up their own stories to go along with what they see. The warm air makes me feel so warm, and this activity uses imagination and creativity and is peaceful and nonviolent/noncompetitive. Not to mention it seems reasonable to familiarize yourself with the stars and their cycles. Even though I don’t know many of the star formations or any traditional stories to go along with them, I was still able to make up my own for hours last night when I was star gazing.

3pm. The clouds have rearranged themselves and now there are two new formations: an alligator and a bat. Below the clouds are some more pine trees. One of them is on the same trail I am on right now, only 150yards down the slope. It is shaped very elegantly with some of its branches hanging down like tentacles and others curling up towards the sky like a Menorah.

5pm. I got restless and sunburned in my circle, so I decided to leave and hike to the top of Mt. Diablo. I was rewarded with the most gorgeous view of California. I hiked slowly to conserve my strength, because I know I will need it for tomorrow. Anyway, I have returned to my circle to witness another terrific sunset.

6:30-7pm. My favorite time of day. Transition to nightfall. The sunset leaves a magical rainbow of color behind that is still brilliant long after the sun has disappeared over the horizon. The rising full moon is now king of the sky and glows steadily brighter in the diminishing sunlight. The animals know night is upon them: the flies go home, a bird sings a sunset song, and the bats come out to feast. The lights in the town below slowly flicker on, and I remember everyone else is home eating dinner and getting ready to go out on a Saturday night.

I love the temperature at this time of day because it is cool, but not yet cold. I can finally look into the sky without being blinded by the blazing sun. As I watched the sun set tonight, scores of dragonflies were flying directly above my circle with miniature helicopter-like chopping sounds emitting from their rapidly flapping wings. They repeated the same flight pattern tirelessly for a good 45min. They would gather near the branches of the pine tree next to my circle and then take off zipping away in a random direction at top speed. At first I suspected they were mating, but decided against it because they were not coupling up. As I lean back on my sleeping bag and rest my head on my pillow I am able to simply just live this very moment to its fullest without having to worry about work, school, homework, dinner or any time constraints. This is such a great feeling, like begin at the right place at the right time, and not having a care in the world. No due dates, deadlines or bedtimes. No blaring TVs, computers or video games. I want to sit in nature more often. All the crickets know it’s nightfall and begin chirping in unison. The overall effect is like experiencing a ubiquitous wave or music throughout the entire mountain. I wish it would stay like this for longer, but alas it is only a transitional period and must end soon.

Some personal thoughts…

I am surprised at how well I am doing. The hunger is there, but easily suppressed. Aside from a minor sunburn on my face and right forearm I am in perfect health (dirty, but healthy). I was interrupted today by a couple dozen hikers and even some mountain bikers who all respectfully walked around my circle. I guess this what I get for making it on a trail. Oh well, they were all friendly and said their hellos promptly without talking to me too much. One lady even rightly observed that I was connecting to the mountain. A foreign couple passed me by not responding to my standard greeting, and I heard them mutter, “yoga,” after passing. Ah, the first bat of the night! My nocturnal companions! Come ye merry critters and feast on the flies.

Tomorrow will be easier if my dad brings me bug repellent, but tomorrow is also daunting because it will be the longest I have ever gone without eating food. This was a scary prospect, but it got put into prospective after I read that some people had capriciously gone without eating for 7-10 days in an effort to lose weight. Moses supposedly fasted for an all time world record of 40 days. It relieves me to think I only have these 3 days and nights to fast, and that it will not kill me. I hope to use fasting as a means to get closer to myself and even as an attempt conquer myself.

I am excited for nightfall, but the waning daylight is like a roller coaster slowly clicking to the pinnacle of its first and tallest drop – it will come crashing down and there is nothing I can do to stop it or predict all of its wild twists, turns and loop-d-loops until it is upon me.

Today I did some meditation in my circle and also said, “Thank you,” and “I forgive you,” to the spirits around me and to everybody I could think of in my life. If I were to become a teacher, I would like to teach at the high school level and at a school that does NOT use the letter or numerical grading system. Instead I would rather assess each student individually and give them a certain number of units depending on how well/much they learned. I think in that environment I could be truly happy teaching math, english as a second language (in Mexico/Japan), or even directing a jazz band (so long as we play music from cowboy bebop, Brazilian jazz, and Charles Mingus’ “Moanin”).

I definitely feel more anxious about tonight because last night was pretty rough, but I am prepared. The night is upon me, but I will finish this page… One more day and then I am done – I can’t wait to go back home and tell all my family and friends how fabulous this quest has been. Hopefully they will be inspired to try their own quest, or be interested in joining me in a group of solo quests. No matter what happens, I know that I want to spend more time in the great outdoors!

Before the mountain…

In preparation for my first vision quest I will bring the following supplies: jacket, sleeping bag, pair of socks, shirt, blue jeans, old running/walking shoes, 3 gallons of water, map of Mt. Diablo, directional compass, the novel “Quest” by Denise Lynn, journal, pen, sage smudge stick (to cleanse myself), lighter, sacred tobacco (for offering to the spirits NOT for smoking), first aid supplies and flashlight.

Goals:

1. To give thanks for everything that I am thankful for in this life and that I take for granted.

2. To forgive all those people in my life who have hurt me that I have not yet forgiven

3. To confront my fear of being alone in the dark.

4. To ask for a vision from the Creator / Spirits.

Logistics:

1. Severance. Dad will drop me off at Juniper campsite at 11am Friday morning.

2. Threshold. I will go into nature and stay there for 3 days and 3 nights with minimal human contact.

3. Incorporation. Dad will pick me up Monday morning at 9am and I will rejoin society.

~* * *~

Friday September 12th, 2008

On the mountain…

About 5pm. I made my sacred medicine wheel about 1/2 a mile away from the Juniper campsite where my dad and I set up a tent. It is located directly on the lower summit hiking trial, which means I will come in contact with more people and also be safer. Occasionally I can still hear a car stereo or revving motor from the road below, but it is not very loud and doesn’t bother me. I constructed my medicine wheel from a few sticks and a good many stones. To be honest it’s more of an oval than a circle, and since it’s on an incline I will living on a 30 degree angle for the next 3 days. It’s okay that my wheel is not a perfect circle though, because it is merely a representation of the circles and cycles in life.

I was unable to light the sage smudge stick because the lighter ran out of fluid and would not ignite. This also troubled me, but I was able to cleanse myself without lighting the sage by touching the sage to my hands, eyes, ears, nose and mouth while imagining that it was cleansing me. From the moment I started making my circle I have been under constant attack by flies. I killed 3 flies, and though I have temporarily lessened their numbers, the incessant buzzing in my ears indicates new recruits have become already succeeded their slayed brethren.

The spot that I picked has a tall pine tree located 7ft south from my circle’s edge. The great tree has a great many branches that pleasantly created shade for me in my circle this afternoon, but now have no protection to offer me from the sun’s scorching rays since around 3:30pm when it crossed over into the western sky. I have no watch or cell phone to keep track of time with, so I am now using the sun and moon to estimate the hours of the day.

Ah, it feels good not to eat food. The last meal I ate was 2 bowls of Basmati rice at exactly 9:30-10:30pm yesterday night in my Dad’s house in Alamo. I intentionally ate less that day in order to prepare my body for fasting. I also ate neither fruits, vegetables nor any sugary foods so that my body would transition more smoothly into not eating. I have only drunk 1/4 of a gallon of water today, and still have plenty of water down in the campsite where I left the other 2 gallon jugs in the tent. I did this knowing that I would have to return to the tent in the morning to check in with my dad, and by saving the water to carry the next day I would more evenly distribute the work. This will also give some structure to my day, and also serve as an active meditation of sorts – or some kind of twisted physical exercise that a martial arts master would make their students do until they fainted.

Although I was initially irritated by having to meet my dad in the morning, I am glad that I have something to look forward to and someone who cares for me. This will assure my dad that I am safe and his mind will be at ease.

Basking in the sun reminds me of Mustang soccer tournaments and high school track and field league meets. I clearly remember the interim between the first and second game/event and having hours to just laze about with the team in the sun. We would relax, socialize and wait for the next game. The key difference now is that I am alone, and that I have no one to talk to. I did say, “Hi,” to a couple of descending hikers who happily replied, “Hello,” and the nproceeded to respectfully walk around my circle without disturbing it or questioning me about what it is that I was doing.

The wildlife I have seen today includes: dragonflies, grasshoppers, hawks, bees, lizards, ants, squirrels, raccoons, blue jays and other birds, horseflies, regular flies, and unknown insects that I cannot identify. As I write this the flies are still pestering me. I am so sorry for the cows, horses, sheep, goats, and all other livestock that must endure these pesky creatures day in and day out. This reminds me of how my Gram used to catch flies with her bare hands (she was quick for being so old). I don’t mind the flies so much if they would just stay on my lower body. It’s when they zip into my ears that I hear this mad crescendo of buzzing that drives me crazy.

I don’t have a sleeping bag with me because I intentionally left it in the tent. I wonder what it’s going to be like trying to sleep on the ground. It will be hard, but I think I can stick through it. I’m sure with it being summer and all it will be warm enough to sleep on the ground in the open air. I could also purposely sleep deprive myself like the Native Americans traditionally did on their vision quests so that a more authentic vision may come to me… Nah!

Finally, sunset. As the sun sinks lower and lower into the sky I feel a chill that cuts to my bone. I know it will be cold tonight. As the shadows around me grow longer, the flies continue to swarm me while I watch the most beautiful setting sun. Do flies sleep? If human beings were like flies in God’s eyes I could see why so many people die. It’s nearly impossible to resist the urge to just squash the pesky little buggers.

The setting sun is very peaceful coupled with a nearly full moon’s ascent into the eastern sky. The full moon should give me sufficient light to see through darkness of the night, which means I won’t be confronted with my fear of the dark tonight. As the first star emerges I smile. I have always felt like I am more of a nocturnal person because the absence of light heightens my other senses and gives me an edge. I am growing confident that I will survive my quest. To review my goals: 1) Give Thanks 2) Forgive 3) Overcome Fear of Dark 4) Beseech a Vision.

Even if none of these things come to pass, at least I have started my quest to make them happen. I know that I will have to continue to work on them even after my vision quest ends, no matter the outcome of these next three days.

I am determined to let go of the hurt from my childhood and move forward past the petty digressions in my life path that I felt hold me back from really achieving my goals. I want to do good for myself, family, community, state, nation and the world at large. It is my every intention to take what I learn here these next 3 days and apply it to my everyday life. I hope to get a spiritual surge that can help carry me to my next landmark destination on the arc of my life. I wish to feel a greater sense of accomplishment in all that I do. I am determined, and like the bird who flies south for the winter, I am willing to travel great lengths to do what it is I am meant to do – even if that means going to a new school. I love my parents. They gave me life and this opportunity to be alone in nature. I will prove to them and myself that I am ready to return home and become the responsible adult that everyone wants me to be. I think the flies have all just gone home.